When someone you know has Cancer

When someone you know has Cancer

This was definitely not a thought that occupied my mind before my diagnosis. However, it certainly has provoked constant thought and reflection on how I have perceived others with cancer and how I’ve dealt with it. I can still recall my parents and older family members mention the C-word in hushed tones. It certainly wasn’t dinner table conversation and was seen to be in poor form if a cancer patient was discussed in an open forum. A friend, who is also a professional in the medical field, lost her father to cancer at a young age. Despite the fact that he has been deceased for about 30 years, her mother still refuses to acknowledge that he died of cancer. To her, it was more acceptable to state that he died of a heart attack! What is it about the stigma attached to a disease like cancer? So, I decided that I needed to investigate this further:-

This may be because the cause of cancer is not always understood and is often seen as a death sentence. According to Sontag, cancer is often “felt to be obscene—in the original meaning of that word: ill-omened, abominable, and repugnant to the senses.” Others have shown that cancer can attract stigma that has a huge effect on people's lives. Patients may experience their bodies as “permeable, vulnerable, and out of control,” and some feel they have to protect others from embarrassment. Treatments often lead to hair loss, scars, or other bodily changes, which may add to the stigma.

It has become apparent that some people tend to attach a stigma or fear to conditions that they do not have sufficient knowledge of; or the knowledge that they have gained, is from a subjective experience that they may have undergone; and unfortunately these experiences tend to influence the way in which they react or behave towards some person who had the misfortune of being afflicted with the disease. This does not mean that all people are at a loss of what to say when someone they know has cancer! In my experience of being diagnosed with breast cancer, I have been inordinately blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who have shown the utmost care and consideration.

No matter who we are or we come from, we all have our own journey. And for most parts, I have had mind-blowing experiences; lessons both in love and grief. It was during these periods of pain that I believed that I couldn’t and didn’t want to go on. However long and arduous my journey has been and believe me it has been, I did almost stray off the road many times. Funnily, it’s been the recurring questions of, “why me?” that lead me to share the lessons I learned on this incredible journey of pain, loss and grief. I learnt that I am an optimist, always have been. Every project I undertake, I expect to see to a successful conclusion. When events take a turn for the worse, I imagine how they will get better. My general attitude is that things will work out, even though - needless to say - sometimes they don't. But optimists like myself, get back up, brush themselves off, and learn lessons from these life experiences (and don't look at them as mistakes - but rather valuable learning opportunities), and look for every opportunity to share our learning.

So, I decided to put my fears about having cancer aside and finally do something. I'm not going to be selfish anymore. I'm going to take action and start helping more people. We all walk around carrying mental images of what the world is like and how the future will unfold. Some see the glass as half full. Others do not. There is a huge payoff in seeing gray skies as just passing clouds. Optimists expect to have meaningful relationships, good health and happy, productive lives. They live longer and worry less. They avoid needless anxiety and adjust better to stress.

Optimism is a source of vitality and hope, courage and confidence. It motivates us to set goals, to take risks. It encourages persistence in the face of obstacles.

"There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the bright side of things." - Author Unknown

My goal is to help people see the endless possibilities of living and learning…

So don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t know what to say to someone who has cancer. The most important thing you can do is mention the situation in some way that feels comfortable for you. You can show interest and concern, you can express encouragement, or you can offer support. Sometimes the simplest expressions of concern are the most meaningful. And sometimes just listening is the most helpful thing you can do.

Here are a few thoughts from a cancer-victim cancer-challenger on some helpful things to do:-

While it’s good to be encouraging, it’s also important not to show false optimism or tell the person with cancer to always stay positive. Doing these things might seem to discount their very real fears, concerns, or sad feelings. It’s also tempting to say that you know how the person feels. But while you may know this is a trying time, no one can know exactly how any person with cancer feels. Even other cancer-challengers have very different experiences and feelings.

I love humour and I truly believe that it has been the most important way of coping. I have seen the shocked expressions on the faces of my family and friends when I glibly make cancer jokes. This is not just an attempt to make light of my situation, but rather to take my mind off the ‘stigma’ attached to it and to lighten the mood around me. However, to be on the safe side, let the person with cancer take the lead; it’s healthy if they find something funny about a side effect, like hair loss, and you can certainly join them in a good laugh. This can be a great way to relieve stress and take a break from the more serious nature of the situation. But you never want to joke unless you know the person with cancer can handle it and appreciate the humor. I can!

When the person with cancer looks good, let them know! However, cancer challengers can be quite sensitive about their looks, so be truthful!  Avoid making comments when their appearance isn’t as good, such as “You’re looking pale,” or “You’ve lost weight.” No, no, if I’ve lost weight, tell me. I consider that a good thing! My philosophy is that I can never be too thin or too rich! It’s very likely that they are acutely aware if their appearance has deteriorated, and they may feel embarrassed if people comment on it.

It’s usually best not to share stories about family members or friends who have had cancer. Everyone is different, and these stories may not be helpful. Instead, it’s OK to let them know that you are familiar with cancer because you’ve been through it with someone else. Then they can pick up the conversation from there.

Feeling sorry for your friend, or feeling guilty for being healthy yourself, are normal responses. Asking how you can help can take away some of the awkwardness. Cancer is a scary disease. It can create a great deal of uneasiness for people who don’t have experience dealing with it. Don’t be ashamed of your own fears or discomfort. Be honest with the person about how you feel. You might find that talking about it is easier than you think.

Remember to take care of yourself. If you are close in age to the person with cancer or if you are very fond of them, you may find that this experience creates anxiety for you. Cancer often reminds us of our own mortality. You might notice feelings somewhat like those of the person who has cancer: disbelief, sadness, uncertainty, anger, sleeplessness, and fears about your own health.

Be wary of making throw-away comments "Oh, don't worry, you'll be just fine." Some people may feel that you aren’t taking their illness seriously or that you are just dismissing their feelings of fear, anger or sadness as irrelevant.

And don't forget the old adage: "Silence is golden." Do not feel obliged to say anything, it’s ok to just listen. Most times a cancer-challenged person may just want to be heard. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want all conversations to be centred around their illness. Just focusing on the cancer can be very draining on both you and the cancer-challenger. Maintain a healthy, normal and balanced relationship by sharing things about your life as well. Being a cancer-challenger, I can assure that it can become very lonely if you feel like everyone is very politely locking you out of the seemingly mundane happenings in their lives.

Cancer is NOT contagious! As far as I know, nobody has caught cancer by shaking hands, touching, hugging or even kissing. So don’t be afraid to give your cancer-challenger a hug or touch on the shoulder to show that you care. Unfortunately, colds and flu ARE contagious or infectious! Cancer-challengers who are undergoing chemotherapy and/or radiation therapy are very susceptible to infections and contagious diseases as a result of the immune systems being severely compromised. Avoid contact with them until you healthy and well again.

As much as you would like to offer help, it is important to ask the person with cancer what you can do to help. Some people may want your help; others may not. However, isolation is a common feeling for someone with cancer, so it's important to make an effort to reach out. As I’ve previously mentioned, I have been blessed with support and help from my family and friends and some of the assistance that they have provided have been in the form of the following:

o    run errands

o    go grocery shopping

o    help with transportation

o    bring flowers, magazines, books, videos, or DVDs

o    full body massages

o    collect medicine prescriptions

You may also offer to

o    help with household chores, such as vacuuming or dusting

o    help with cleaning, washing dishes, or laundry

o    water plants

o    cook and freeze meals

o    help with children or pets

o    mow the lawn or weed the garden

Any offer of help will be appreciated provided that the cancer challenger is willing to accept it. Do not be upset if your offer of help is turned down, as most times the cancer challenger doesn’t know what will help. Be yourself and try not to worry about whether you are doing things the right way. Let your words and your actions come from your heart. Your compassion and genuine caring are the most important things you can express to someone who has cancer right now.